Insomniac Non Sequitur

Streamlining the TV section

nospam@example.com (Insomniac Non Sequitur) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 04:20:00 -0500

Been stripping down the site to be more streamlined and make performance improvements. I've streamlined the TV stuff using Hulu widgets in place of individual episode entries where possible, although the entries where I made commentary have remained for archival reasons, though the video may no longer be available. More redesign to come.

That's the way it is... RIP Uncle Walter

nospam@example.com (Insomniac Non Sequitur) — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 01:13:43 -0400

Walter Cronkite has died. I'm stunned.

Mr. Jackson is survived by Bubbles the Chimp

nospam@example.com (Insomniac Non Sequitur) — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 23:04:00 -0400

NSFW is such a subjective term. What if your job happens to be cabana boy at The White Swallow Spa or web developer at Black Crack Addicts? In any case, this video is bound to offend someone without a sense of humor, so don't go blasting it anywhere near Jesse Jackson or he might cut your balls off. Oh, in case you haven't heard, Michael Jackson is Dead. (or is he?)

"He's a recluse. He could be a bad mother fucker behind closed doors" - Eddie Murphy Raw

You know, Corey Feldman is distraught that he will never have closure.

I'm with Seamus

nospam@example.com (Insomniac Non Sequitur) — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 07:20:00 -0500

Haven't really been updating the blog too often these days, because I've been busy. Mostly watching videos and TV shows. Here's a clip from Cracked that I could have made about myself, but I was too busy watching other shit.

15 Attractive Girls In My Life Who Will Never Sleep With Me -- powered by Cracked.com

Say What's Up to Jesus for Me

nospam@example.com (Insomniac Non Sequitur) — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 12:01:28 -0400

I just read that George Carlin died yesterday. While I stand in a corner yelling, "SHIT PISS FUCK CUNT COCKSUCKER MOTHERFUCKER AND TITS!!" for the next couple of hours, check out this episode of George's Fox sitcom, in which he and his buddy Harry (Alex Rocco) come to terms with the fact that they're no longer young men. Right now, his obituary is front and center on The New York Times home page.

George Lifts the Holy Spirit (1994)

They should have got Billy Wirth to host it

nospam@example.com (Insomniac Non Sequitur) — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 19:20:00 -0500

So the new American Gladiators premiered over the weekend. I didn't watch it because my TiVo was recording The Amazing Race, Desperate Housewives and The Wire (how's that for diversity?), but I caught it when it aired in its regular Monday timeslot. It was okay; I always liked the original American Gladiators ("SHUT UP, KIRK!!") and it's a simple enough formula, how could anyone fuck it up? Well, it's not completely fucked up, but there's room for improvement.

To start with, Hulk Hogan is kind of a tool. That mother fucker needs to take some Ritalin, because he can't keep still for a second; I started to think his biceps had a will of their own. He's not much of an interviewer either. After the competitions, every interview was a variant of this exchange:

	HULK HOGAN

Holy shit, dude! You scored 10 big points!!

	CONTESTANT

You're right Hulk Hogan, I did score 10 points!

Leila Ali isn't much better, but with her there's hope for improvement, because I'm not sure how much broadcast experience she has. The Hulkster's been doing the same schtick for 30 years so he does what he does; asking him to make adjustments at this point is like asking RuPaul to stop being a drag queen. If you're a fan of Hulk Hogan, you'll be happy, but personally I liked him a lot better when he was getting powerbombed through a table by Mike Awesome.

The new gladiators also seem to be devoid of personality. Remember Gemini, Nitro and Zap? You do because they had charisma and the ability to string a few words together in a coherent fashion. Zap was so charismatic that a good portion of the male population wanted to bang her even though she looked like The Thing from Fantastic 4 with a mullet. Zap's sex appeal was such that she paved the way for other hulking women to be sexy on T.V., like Xena Warrior Princess, and that giant bitch on Third Rock from the Sun. In Monday's episode of American Gladiators '08, I think Wolf was the only one who spoke, which might have been a wise move. I checked Hulu for the one that I missed on Sunday, and they also had this clip up, which kind of destroys the bad ass mystique (on a minor note, if they're American Gladiators, why the fuck is there a Maori guy called Toa?):

Um, yeah, those guys really make me shit my pants (sarcasm aside, that impossibly blond inhuman dude gets points for kind of looking like Flash Gordon). Gemini and Nitro didn't have to yell and scream to be hard. Gemini was so fucking cool he would calmly be like, "Yeah, Billy Wirth punched me square in my fucking grill, then I thanked his long haired West Hollywood bitch ass for popping that zit while my man Nitro choke slammed the fuck out of him." Now that's hard. (Billy Wirth isn't really that much of a bitch ass either. When was the last time you punched Gemini or a Brobdingnagian of equivalent mass dead in his fucking grill?)

That's another problem with the new show, a certain trying-too-hardness that's annoying. Don't try and convince me that you have the roughest obstacle course in the world, I've seen Japanese game shows. Stick with the action rather than throw in a bunch of cut aways to the audience so you can have 90 MPH editing. Don't have over the top melodramatic music underscoring every little thing. Speaking of music, lose the cheesy cover versions of well-known "sports crowd anthems" or pay for the rights to use a call out from the original artists. How much is We Don't Need Another Hero?; because for all the empasis on family and hard work and all those other old fashioned American values in the contestant profile segments, fighting a guy called Militia with a big ass staff while standing on small ass platforms over a tank of water surrounded by a ring of fire while your infant daughter and wife look on through razor wire doesn't evoke visions of apple pie and yellow ribbons 'round old oak trees. For fuck's sake, brighten up the set a little or change the name of the shit to Deathrow Gameshow.

Overall, it's a pretty good effort considering that it was thrown together on the quick in response to the writer's strike. Until that strike ends, American Gladiators will most likely continue to air, so hopefully NBC will make the minor adjustments the show needs to be great. Watch it yourself and tell me what you think.

Somehow I missed this part

nospam@example.com (Insomniac Non Sequitur) — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 23:04:00 -0500

A couple of weeks ago when I was goofing on Ric Flair, I didn't realize that his career being at stake was the whole angle. Here's the montage from the New Year's Eve Monday Night Raw setting it up (recorded by my faithful TiVo off of Telemundo):

How do you say "WHOOO!!" in Spanish?

That montage said pretty much everything I did a couple of weeks ago. It's actually a pretty good idea for a storyline: keep putting Flair in against younger, stronger guys and let him fight for his life; how fucking dramatic is that?!? I wonder how many different ways they can come up with to keep him winning since all the writers are on strike.

"This year I resolve to pick on someone my own size!"

So did The Nature Boy triumph over The Game? Yup, and, as ridiculous as it might sound, Steven Regal's reluctance to pulverize a leprechaun with brass knuckles had a lot to do with it.

30 Rock Season 2 Episode 9

nospam@example.com (Insomniac Non Sequitur) — Mon, 24 Dec 2007 07:20:00 -0500

Ludachristmas - Originally aired December 13, 2007

I've seen pregnancies, illnesses, injuries and deaths written into a television series, but this is the first time I've ever seen a court appointed alcohol monitoring ankle bracelet written into one. Tracy Morgan must have one hell of sense of humor; I want to fucking party with him. Seriously. Also, all I want for Christmas is Jane Krakowski, who if I haven't mentioned before, gets my motor running. Seriously.

There's something about Mary Lynn

nospam@example.com (Insomniac Non Sequitur) — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 23:04:00 -0500

I don't know what it is about Mary Lynn Rajskub that excites me so much. It's probably her foul fucking mouth. Experience it for yourself firsthand in this clip she posted to Funny or Die.

Anti Hiro

nospam@example.com (Insomniac Non Sequitur) — Sun, 23 Dec 2007 19:20:00 -0500

In anticipation of the upcoming Heroes Season 2 flood, here's a clip of Masi Oka from the third season of Comedy Central's Reno 911! Though Masi is great as the straight man, the real star of this clip is the spectacularly underrated Carlos Alazraqui, as the really pissed off cop, James Garcia.

Monk Season 6 Episode 10

nospam@example.com (Insomniac Non Sequitur) — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 19:20:00 -0500

Mr. Monk and The Man Who Shot Santa Claus - Originally aired December 2, 2007

Actually, Mr. Monk is the man who shot Santa (and before the opening credits!) and becomes the most hated man in San Francisco during the holidays. This is some funny shit. It's also part of what seems to a theme this year; last night's Nip/Tuck also featured a plot line involving a shot Santa. For more Monk holiday hijinx, be sure to check out Mr. Monk and the Secret Santa from Season 4.

Buy Monk on DVD or Amazon Unbox Download:

Monk Season 4 Episode 2

nospam@example.com (Insomniac Non Sequitur) — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 14:59:16 -0500

Mr. Monk answers a fan's question.

I saw this clip on the hulu site in which Tony Shalhoub names some of his favorite episodes of Monk. I thought I would post one of them here, but of course, hulu doesn't have any of the ones he's talking about available for embedding. Here's something close, an episode guest starring John Turturro as Ambrose Monk, Mr. Monk Goes Home Again (originally aired July 15, 2005).

I'll be posting a couple of Christmas themed episodes of Monk later on today, so check back later.

Buy Monk on DVD or Amazon Unbox Download:

Strange new breeds

nospam@example.com (Insomniac Non Sequitur) — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 07:20:00 -0500

from BBC News

Can you believe the shit scientists get paid to do? Some new animals were unveiled upon the world this week. A previously unknown giant rat was discovered. Someone said, "Yo, let's see what we find in this real dense dark part of the island," and that was the best they could come up with. What fucking use is a giant rat to mankind unless he pisses the cure for cancer?

from Reuters

On the other end of the spectrum, scientists in South Korea invented a cat that glows in the dark. Whoever came up with that shit was on some serious pharmaceutacals. How the fuck was anyone convinced that this was even an idea worth pursuing? "I agree, that's what South Korea needs, some glow in the dark cats. How many millions of won do you need to facilitate that?" The claim that it will help with human genetic mutations sounds pretty dubious to me. You mean to tell me that in time Michael J. Fox can be cured, but he's gonna glow in the fucking dark? Should make Back to the Future IV pretty interesting.

Speaking of heroin

nospam@example.com (Insomniac Non Sequitur) — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 05:46:00 -0500

Here's a clip from the aborted second season of The Knights of Prosperity. If you've never seen it before (and considering the second season was aborted, you probably haven't), it's a more realistic version of those Oceans' movies. I like the ones I've seen, but when Brad Pitt is like, "Yo, George Clooney, you gotta be real fucking tight with how much you spend pulling this heist, because we only have $34 million left, and I don't want to have to liquidate another Italian villa," I'm like, "Motherfucker, you got $34 million and Italian villas!! Why the hell are you pulling heists, you kleptomaniac bastard!?!"

Well, The Knights of Prosperity are all working class people: a janitor, a waitress, a cab driver, you get the idea. The show was originally sold as Let's Rob Mick Jagger, but the name was changed and the concept tweaked so that every season a different celebrity would be the target. Season 2's mark would have been Ray Romano, who's starring in a way the fuck off Broadway show, Neil LaBute's Numb The Pain, which the gang checks out while surveilling Ray.

By the way, did I mention The Knights of Prosperity is way the fuck funnier than 30 Rock (which I love, incidentally, check out the video in the sidebar)?

The gayest thing I've seen on the internet this week (that isn't porn)

nospam@example.com (Insomniac Non Sequitur) — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 00:21:00 -0500

This is a clip of Enrique Iglesias serenading a dude. There are only two ways this isn't gay:

it's a cut scene from Boys Don't Cry and he's singing to Hilary Swank
he's singing to his youthful ward, Dick Grayson

What do you think? Feel free to comment below.

Enrique Iglesias Thrills Gay Fan - video powered by Metacafe

Wacky racers

nospam@example.com (Insomniac Non Sequitur) — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 19:20:00 -0500

Here's that Amazing Race clip I mentioned the other day. A quick setup:

On The Amazing Race, every once in a while teams will arrive at a roadblock, which is a task that must be completed before the next clue is awarded. The Family Edition of the show had a lot of sort of wimpy roadblocks, I assume because they had kids competing. In this clip, the Godlewski Sisters are to find a specific hanger when they arrive at the U.S. Space & Rocket Center, where the roadblock they must complete is to ride in a centrifugal trainer, used to simulate the gravimetric (or 'G') force experienced by astronauts during blast off. Of course, they have a hard time finding the place, then misread the clue in hilarious fashion.

I'm not sure what I find funniest about this clip. Most people would argue about how to get somewhere because they don't know how to find it, not because they don't know what the fuck it even is in the first place. I laughed my ass off when she misread the clue in a totally confused fashion, like she was expecting to go around to corner and find a line of soldiers with their cocks out like in ; then I choked on my chips when her sister yelled out, "Chris should!" with the attitude, well. . . remember that one time she let the varsity chessboxing team gangbang her under the bleachers during the Junior Semi-Formal?? That's the problem with doing anything with your family on national television: you can't be cool because they know all the past shit you've done and they don't care about sharing it with the world.

On a sort of related note, here's a clip from The Office (NBC version) where Michael tries to rally the gang by comparing the task at hand to The Amazing Race (thanks again, hulu).

Doesn't Rashida Jones look great?

An interesting oxymoron

nospam@example.com (Insomniac Non Sequitur) — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 00:04:00 -0500

WHOOOO!!!

I just tuned to Monday Night RAW, I haven't watched it in forever (I even missed the big special last week), and the screen on the right announcing one of the upcoming matches made me almost piss myself. Career Threatening Match?!? Ric Flair's been around more than a minute; at this stage of his life, isn't every match Career Threatening?? I gotta hand it to The Nature Boy, he's hanging in there like the fucking Highlander, he's gonna live forever.

It was really cool when it first came out

nospam@example.com (Insomniac Non Sequitur) — Mon, 17 Dec 2007 07:20:00 -0500

Click the photo to watch Season 1 of Roswell.

Remember The WB Network? They had this show Roswell about teen aliens that was pretty cool when it first came out, and is still popular now. The plot lines would be some teen angst shit that could not be easily resolved because they were aliens. Like, Michael's foster dad was a drunken, abusive bastard who used to fuck him up all the time, but they couldn't do anthing about it because they were aliens; or this other time that Max and Liz got in a car wreck and Max needed to go to the hospital to run tests, but he's an alien, so that's a problem. Well, now you can see Season 1 of that show here, courtesy of hulu.

You'll have to come to the site because I didn't want to throw 22 episodes of a show into an RSS feed. Be adventurous and check it out. At the very least, the cast is totally hot.

Get Roswell on DVD or Amazon Unbox Download:

Get your 24 fix

nospam@example.com (Insomniac Non Sequitur) — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 07:24:00 -0500

Well, I couldn't find a clip of Jack Bauer shooting up, but here's one that's pretty close: Jack's fighting to keep that monkey off his back, but it's calling him. When you're done watching this, stick around to check out full episodes of Season 6 for free, here, courtesy of Hulu. I'll be adding episodes as they're available, the first half of the season KICKS ASS, but I guess they blew their wad early, because it turns into a novela about half way through (but it's still better than nothing, which is what we're getting in 2008 [way to have a .24 BAC, Kiefer!]). Enjoy it while you can get it, and remember: "Winners don't use drugs." - FBI Director William S. Sessions

The gayest thing I've seen on TV this week

nospam@example.com (Insomniac Non Sequitur) — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 19:20:00 -0500

This clip cracked my shit up when I saw it because I wasn't sure if Chris Jericho and Randy Orton were getting ready to fight or fuck each other; then Steven Regal comes out so wild eyed and appalled that he not only blows the shit totally out of proportion (the world will end if these guys get it on?!?), but chokes on his own shit talking to boot! The fact that the name of the show this clip came from is A.M. Raw is the cherry on top.

"Um. . . what exactly was the question?"

Anyone who says wrestling isn't homoerotic is smokin' cocks.